Think twice before branding someone a narcissist

By Jonathan Rivett

Question:

I work with a person [we’ll call them Ash, which is not their name] who really annoys some of my workmates. I find Ash to be a complex person – forthright, but mostly lovely. I am saddened when I hear people in my office bad-mouthing them.

One thing I hear a lot is “Oh, Ash is a narcissist.” I have been reading a lot about the definition of this word and I don’t think it applies to this person at all. Ash is definitely an extrovert and expresses confidence and pride in their work (work that I think is of a very high standard), but is happy to applaud and congratulate others and never blames others for mistakes or problems.

Illustration: John Shakespeare
Illustration: John Shakespeare Credit:

Do I need to do more homework on the term or am I right in thinking it’s a bit dangerous to throw around a term like this about someone who is occasionally boisterous and knows what they’re good at?

Answer:

I spoke with psychotherapist, academic and researcher, Dr Zoë Krupka, about your question, and about narcissism in general.

The first thing Dr Krupka pointed out is that narcissism is real, even though the definition of narcissistic personality disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (sometimes referred to as the health care professionals’ bible) is imperfect, particularly because it fails to describe how narcissism appears to the observer. But, she says, the problem here is perhaps not the definition itself or even whether it fits, but how it’s used.

“A label is the end of the story; [the person labelled is] in a box. By using a term like ‘narcissist’ we condemn someone – ‘You’re broken’. And it’s one example of how popular psychological diagnostic labels – both the real ones and the lay ones – can be used to corner and silence people.

“I think where the label is useful is where you’re suffering. In relationship with someone who is highly narcissistic the experience is of being gaslit, being confused, feeling undermined. And if you can help someone understand the narcissistic vulnerability in your colleague, you can help lift [the person suffering] out of that confusion.”

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So, is your colleague narcissistic? Well, that’s not really something for us to determine or diagnose and the fact that your co-workers are trying, Dr Krupka says, tells us more about them than it does about Ash.

“Actually, if we think about narcissism in lay terms or in cultural terms, what the reader is talking about – that finger-pointing and scapegoating – is really part of a narcissistic process.”

Dr Krupka says everyone has these narcissistic defences and we can all occasionally become absorbed by ourselves, slipping into un-empathetic thinking. The behaviour becomes “dangerous” (as you say in your email), however, when the responses stop being mildly egocentric and start to be used as weapons – to hurt others. (Although Narcissus in the Greek myth is most famous for becoming obsessed with his own image reflected in a pool of water, in most accounts he’s also dismissive of others and in at least one telling his cruelty leads to the death of Echo.)

“When I say ‘You’re a narcissist’ I’m enacting my [own] narcissistic defences. I’m saying ‘You’ve got nothing to do with me. I never think I’m better than other people. I never brag. I never do that.’ And that is fundamentally problematic in any relationship. And in the workplace it’s deadly because it sets up a culture of alienation and separateness.”

It sounds from your question, Dr Krupka says, that as well as being concerned about the suitability of a word, you’re also worried that what your colleagues are expressing about Ash is completely incongruous with your experience of him or her. That’s understandably troubling.

“The terrible thing about narcissism is the inability to see anybody but the self. The reader may be saying in this question “I don’t think they’re seeing [Ash].” And if they’re not seeing [Ash], who are they seeing?”

Perhaps your accusatory colleagues are staring into their own pools of water.

Need some Work Therapy? Send your question through to [email protected]

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Source: Thanks smh.com